Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!