[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
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I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I just got arrested for felonious mopery