Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
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*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.