What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.