ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
This squirrel eats better than I do
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.