Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.