Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
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[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.