Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.