Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.