Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
motivation
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
At least my masseuse has my back.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.