Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Sign at work today
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.