My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
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Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?