@Harbinger_one: Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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@KeetPotato: [exchanging xmas gifts] me: "if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?" schrödinger: "i feel like i brought this on myself"
@recoveringbapti: Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away....the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum
@Parkerlawyer: I just passed a beer truck on the highway. "Wait a minute. I'm named after beer?!!?" -My 6 yr old son, Miller
@behindyourback: Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.