Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE