Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
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How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
We’re all getting idioter.
When your man makes a valid point
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’