Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
A double negative is a big no-no.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.