A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever