@yoopnative: Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat's mouth. My kid thinks I'm a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later
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@celebrityhottub: I'm on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it's taking all my strength to not scream "WE FORGOT KEVIN!"
@dubstep4dads: i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
@TheRohiniReddy: Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I'll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation
@amfmpm: dry skin? flaky scalp? discoloration? scaling? tongue bifurcating all by itself? hissing? legs fusing together? recently evicted a gypsy?