[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
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I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker