Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Yes
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.