Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 馃構
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I鈥檇 say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we鈥檙e not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Remember they鈥檙e just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Don鈥檛 be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You鈥檙e the one who should like it because you鈥檙e the one that鈥檚 going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Me: I know it鈥檚 weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 馃枻
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Fact: There comes a point in every man鈥檚 life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.