Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
You Might Also Like
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Erm…
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Reporter: *ports again*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men