Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?