@CelebrityChez: Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.
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@HatfieldAnne: I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
@DadandBuried: I feel like landlords who don't allow dogs but DO allow children don't know very much about children.
@darrinfb: To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status "it's complicated" How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?