@CelebrityChez: Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.
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@FatherWithTwins: My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he's my new accountant
@MarlonBrandNO: I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist
@northcoastkevin: [gets pulled over by the cops] Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane. Me: check the trunk.