I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
She puts the hot in psychotic
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?