just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Birds & Planes.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
cyclists
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.