Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.