Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My beach vacation Google searches
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.