@badbanana: Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
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@DaddyJew: Girl: do you have a condom? Me: c'mon what's the worst that could happen *hears a knock on the door 4: daddy I think I started a fire
@bazecraze: If you think it's hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Guess who doesn't want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching. God: Alright, but wouldn't it be funny if they couldn't reach their backs?