Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
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Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome