Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Never mess with a drunken pig.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
He’s dead
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Just so funny
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
A couple who are silly together stay together.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.