Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.