And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
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By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Finally a use for spoilers…
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
never forget
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Rather alarming headline…
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain