Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night