Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
This why you should mind your business
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.