Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
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When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
“You’d better run, egg!”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
next level snooze
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.