Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move