My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
79.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.