@erica_rosie: Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.
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@bobvulfov: BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep [rocky walks into the freezer] ROCKY: time to punch some meats
@iAmDelFreaky: I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant. Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.
@WeissBrandon: Cop: FREEZE, DON'T MOVE!!! Me: *stops moving* Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me:... Cop: NOW! Me:... Me:... Cop: for the love of god...unfreeze
@david8hughes: [911 call] "My hand's stuck in a blender!" "Turn it on then." "What?" " I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying."