Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
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Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
yes… yes…
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
this is uni
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?