Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
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What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.