Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
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Swedish for common sense.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*