Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
You Might Also Like
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
#dalle2
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.