Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.