“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
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I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
🏙👨🏼
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
lol
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?