Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
ok this is my dumbest yet
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate