Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Dance like you’re not the father
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Not yet
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Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”