Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
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Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
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Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
i wish i could marry a nap
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.