Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
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If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy