When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
You Might Also Like
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Netflix and scream at our children?!
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.