One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
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10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
absolute chaos
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.