My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
They did not miss in the small print
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”