@Bizarro_Mark: Just said, "Because I said so!," and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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@Underchilde: [As a tornado destroys their home] Wife: You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Husband: I really miss Baywatch.
@caperbc75: My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse -Are you describing Chuck Norris? Yes
@SardonicTart: Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
@TheHyyyype: ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography