Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
This is a whole mood;
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.